Writing about this is intensely personal and I hope to share just a few thoughts about my recent experience that is both a tragedy and a lesson.
My wife had a miscarriage and it was tremendously hard to take her to the doctors when we suspected something might be wrong. The whole way down to the doctors I was praying silently hoping that everything was okay and that if it wasn't going to be okay, God would give us the strength to endure.
Both my wife and I were extremely anxious about what the doctor would find out which made sitting in the lobby almost unbearable. After being called in, we sat inside of the doctors room in silence. I looked up at my wife and she seemed scared and sad. I reassured her that whatever happens, God is always here. She shook her head in agreement, but with little change in her expression.
The doctor came in and asked my wife a few questions and mentioned that what she was experiencing happens in a lot of pregnancies. This offered a little bit of hope for me that everything was going to be fine. The doctor then proceeded to tell us that we would have to do a sonogram to make sure everything was okay and it was at this moment that I became extremely nervous.
My wife closed her eyes for a moment with a worried look on her face as the doctor was preparing for the sonogram. I simply uttered prayers underneath my breath that the baby would be fine.
As the image pulled up on the screen, my heart immediately dropped. I knew exactly what I was looking at and the tears on my wife's face confirmed that she knew as well. There was no heartbeat, no movement, just dead silence. The doctor spent a few more seconds looking and looking, but I suspect she knew what she was looking at too.
It was at that point that the doctor looked up at Yesenia to say sorry and tell her that she miscarried. This of course brought tears to her eyes and my heart broke into pieces, not just for my baby, but for my wife who I could sense was immensely sorrowful at the mention that our baby was no longer alive.
The doctor finished up and left us to ourselves. I embraced my wife the way a husband should, grabbing her head to place on my chest and holding her tightly. But this was all I could do. I mourned with her and just held her there while she cried. After a few minutes, I looked at my wife in her eyes to assure her that within God's providence all things work together for good.
It is at this time that faith plays an important role in peoples lives. There are many couples who suffer much harder things. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a stillborn or go almost full term and have a miscarriage.
To us, this was big, but at the end of the day it can't break us from the hope that is in us. I spent the next few days with my wife at home while she would go in and out of crying. It was a hard few days. We had to spend time in prayer and I had to make sure that my spiritual leadership came into serious play here.
It is with these small battles, whether in marital problems or in tragic things like miscarriages, that we learn whether or not we are up to the task to endure. This is not to say that there is no pain or heartache, or that there is no suffering. Rather, these battles show us whether we are prepared to endure the pain, heartache, and suffering.
If there is no intimacy between you and your wife and your consolation only comes at a time of trouble, it will be difficult for your wife to hear your words. I must work to gain the trust of my wife and this can only come through the discipline of living a life after the Messiah's own heart. In the discipline, I must provide my wife with guidance in our marriage all of the time and when I do so I prepare her for battle as well. Our job as husbands is to protect and provide. This is not limited to physical sustenance and shelter, but to spiritual sustenance and shelter as well.
If in my passion for Jesus I become more like him and my wife follows my example, we will be prepared to endure these battles by the armor that we have put on. We are not immune to suffering, but we can travail the rocky terrain when we encounter it and we can only do this if we have properly trained for the task.
This miscarriage is a tragedy for us and for our family. We want a child that we can call our own. But, in this tragedy I have learned the immense value in being a disciple of Jesus and the tremendous obligation to be passionately dedicated to imitating Him in every facet of my life so that my wife and future child or children will be equally prepared for the battles of life by knowing and imitating Jesus as well.